Numair Tells All
by Lady Saffron of the Daggers
Summary: Numair is forced to listen and analyze Tamora Pierce's characters after they find out what fanfiction is and their objections to it... mostly. Rating for safety. Chapter 4 has been edited so that Kel is more in character and the information is correct.
1. Sir Alanna of Pirates Swoop

**Disclaimer: I think I kind of state it in the story itself, but I don't own anything in this fic.**

**a/n, may be skipped if desired: I know this isn't original, but I had a random inspired thought. I have nothing against Alanna going to a convent or her and Jon pairings, I just don't read them. This is how I think she would react... kind of... if she were to find out what we were doing to her though.**

"Numair," an irritated red head interrupted the lecturing Storkman. "Get to the point about why I'm so often paired with Jon please." She looked up from the black chaise at the man who was seated behind the desk.

"Ah, I was just getting to that," he said, looking down and tapping his already meticulously place papers in an even straighter line.

"You were talking about _convents!_" she yelled, sitting up entirely.

"Alanna, if this is going to work the way Thayet wants it to, you have to stay laying," he said, standing up to his full six foot five. The short woman lay back grumbling while one Numair Salmalin started to pace. "Now then, as I was saying. People like Jonathan marrying you because it's not what really happened. They might like Jonathan better, because he's better looking, has the Gift, is a king, you worked with him for a very long time and actually was his squire. Some people might also not like Thayet and would rather see an ill-tempered, short, stocky-"

"Keep going and I won't be the only short one here," she threatened while looking pointedly at her sword by the door.

"Right," Numair said with a slight cough. "My point being that they'd rather have someone like yourself on the throne instead of a Mary-Sue."

"Who?"

"A Mary-Sue is some character who is perfect, has no temper, her hair is always beautiful, has a bright smile, is just the right weight, all the men fall for her, is friends with people that she quite assuredly shouldn't be friends with, is incredibly strong-"

"I get it, I get it," Alanna interrupted his list again. "But Thayet _isn't_ a Mary-Sue. She has problems; she's not perfect, although she's close to it. I mean, her body, her hair, and her complexion get her close. But she has that weird nose, and let's face it, after having two kids, her butt isn't the best in the kingdom."

"Well, seeing as she always wears large dresses you women insist upon, the men of Tortall wouldn't know that," Numair reasoned. "Any ways, the fangirls, and boys should there be any out there, place you with Jonathan because," he started again.

"You went over why, how do I make them stop? I love George. I've had his children, and I made it perfectly clear that, one: I'd rather be a knight. If I had wanted to go to a convent I wouldn't have switched with Thom. And two: if I loved Jon I wouldn't have brought Thayet home. I would have dropped her off the side of the boat on the crossing back into Tortall; I _knew_ that Jonathan would fall in love with her beauty if not her mind also."

"That's the problem. You see, there is no way for you to make them stop." He stepped back at the woman's glare and held his hands up in defense, ready to use anything to stop her. He bravely, and audibly, swallowed his fear and continued. "Fangirls have their own right to write what ever they want as long as they say that they don't own anything familiar."

"But if I go to the convent or marry Jon then I'm _not_ familiar! I'm not _me_," she argued.

"Yes, but your name, appearance, and total existence still belong to Tamora Pierce."

"Who?"

"The author," he said simply.

"Wait, what author? There's a whole other author that can make me go to the convent and make it _legal?"_ she asked, standing quickly in anger.

"No!" Numair said quickly. "You see, she's the one that decided you _shouldn't_ go to the convent _or _marry Jonathan. There's actually a myth that says that you were going to, but then it wouldn't have been you, so she introduced Thayet and she chose George for yourself. It's just a myth that you were going to though!" he said hurriedly.

"You know what, I don't like these Numair. Why does everyone else have a set partner except for me? I mean, you and Daine, Aly and Nawat, not that they're mentioned much, Beka and Rosto."

"Ah, but you didn't name off Jonathan and Thayet, they're not set in stone, are they?" he asked sneakily. "There's also Kel's problems with men. They seem to like her and Dom the most, but there's also her and Joren and I've even seen a few Kel and Neal. Also, I've been looking up on Aly, and I've enlisted George's help on this, we found something very interesting. I think you should see it," he said, going back to his desk and picking up the paper on top of a large stack.

He silently handed it to the woman who took it and crumpled it immediately after scanning it. "Horse manure," she sourly. "My Aly knows better than to go with a God, especially one known for trickery."

"I'm sorry, but like I said, Fangirls have free reign. Besides, Daine and myself don't have it easy. George withheld a recently posted story where I _cheated_ on her. Why would I cheat on Daine? And with Varice, no less!" Both occupants of the room looked at the window, where a crow had just fallen off its perch. "So that's been about an hours worth of you ranting about your hate of being paired with Jon and going to the convent. You can leave and tell Thayet that you have been counseled and feel much better so we don't have to continue with these please," Numair said, still looking out the window.

"I don't know, I kind of like these little get togethers. Maybe this'll open a whole new section of fanfiction for us," Alanna said slyly.

Numair looked at her sharply. "If it does, it is on your head," he said, his black Gift suddenly shining around him. "I am happily married to Daine and refuse to be in a lasting relationship with anyone else."

"Well our relationship doesn't have to last!" Alanna said enthusiastically.

"Alanna," Numair said in a warning voice.

"Really, we could write how we had that affair right after we were introduced before my wedding with George and how you nearly ruined everything and to this day George still doesn't trust you and that's why you're not allowed near him except in times of danger."

"I'm not allowed near him because I set off all of his Gift searching devices that warn him when someone with the Gift is near. You _know_ that," he said plainly. "Now leave, I'm sure you're giving some people more ideas," he ordered.

"Awe, Numy-poo," Alanna complained with an evil smile.

"Alanna, I swear, you call me that again and you won't be able to use any weapon for a month," he threatened while throwing a stack of papers into the unlit fireplace.

"What was that?" she asked, going over and picking a paper up with her name on it.

"Your progress in this past session," he said.

"You wrote down everything that was said!" she exclaimed. "You even put 'um's' and sound effects I made…" she looked harder at something. "My voice did NOT crack when I was describing my thoughts on Thayet and George dancing," she said defensively.

"I heard what I heard," Numair said with a shrug. "Your time is up Alanna, it's Jonathan's turn to come in and complain my ears off," Numair stated, leading the woman out of his tidy office and into the hallway where a row of filled chairs was lined up. "Your Majesty," Numair said with a slight bow as the monarch entered his office and lay on the chaise.

**Please review if you liked or hated it. It was written in a very short amount of time, I didn't want to use a lot of detail for the room they were in or what they were doing.**


	2. His Majesty King Jonathan of Conte

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything, unfortunately.**

Silence, that's the sound that had been plaguing the room for the past half-hour. "Jon, I realize that you have many difficult thoughts, despite what half the women in Tortall say, but right now it would seem to me that you're just wasting your hour here because Thayet ordered you to come," Numair observed in a tense voice of annoyance.

"Wait, you actually _want_ me to divulge my feelings?" Jon asked incredulously while looking up from the ball of blue magic he had been playing with.

Numair sighed and pinched the bridge of his long nose. "I might as well try to be of some help," he told his monarch.

"Fine," Jonathan of Conte, king of Tortall, Knight and protector of the Realm, along with a ton of other pointless titles, said while sitting up to look at his most powerful mage. "I don't like being paired with Alanna, she's the most unfeminine woman I could ever meet and she won't let up on women's rights and girls learning to be knights," he complained suddenly after a moments thought. Numair started writing on a piece of paper furiously. "Thayet is my wife, she's gorgeous, smart, beautiful, wild, stunning, creative, attractive, intelligent, radiant, quick-witted, graceful-"

"Your Majesty, I realize that you know just as many words as most men in love and that she is all of those things and more, but you're time here is more and more limited with every word, please continue on with your thoughts."

"Well," Jonathan said, getting back on track. "It's not easy being king, and it's even harder when people put me with Alanna. Then, not only do I have to deal with the kingdoms troubles in food supply, trade and alliances, but I also have to deal with the queen insulting everyone that looks at her wrong and getting yelled at every day for doing something that will benefit the kingdom in the long run even if it destroys it for a few years."

"How do you feel about being paired with Delia?" Numair asked suddenly. He was flipping through some papers in a new pile on his desk.

"I can't see her as queen. Of course she's beautiful, but she tried to kill me! She was working with Roger for Mithros sake!"

"Roger is the cousin that tried to commit regicide, correct?" Numair questioned, never having heard the full story.

"Yes, yes," Jonathan said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "His doing is what ultimately led to my mothers death closely followed by my father which led to where I am today. Although I very much doubt that they would still be alive," he said thoughtfully. "Any ways, why do people insist that Alanna and I are having an affair? George has shown me some papers he's found that have been written by some girls. It seems to be in a totally different world where I'm the head of some large business company or college, whatever that is, and in nearly every one he's given me I'm in love with Alanna who is having an affair on George, even though I married Thayet before she and George were even engaged, and Thayet is no where in the picture. And if she is then I'm even worse because I'm also cheating on her!"

"Your Majesty, please calm down," Numair said soothingly as the king stood up and started pacing.

"No! You and Daine don't have these problems! A lot of them are actually about you and Daine!" The king was now throwing his arms around wildly in anger. "Sure there's some where she's with Perin but you always end up with her and you never find out how my relationships have ended!"

Numair looked tiredly at the pacing king who wouldn't stop talking. For all that he was named calmest man of the lunar cycle, he had a lot of rage in him. "Jonathan," Numair said suddenly, stopping the man in his tracks with some help from his Gift. "Fact, you can't make people stop writing things like that about you. The women, and few men, that write slander about you have it in they're minds that you're a cruel king. You were portrayed as such in multiple books. The main one being Keladry's. She dislikes you for putting her on probation, and her dislike of you went out to all the people that like her. If they like you, it is most likely because Daine likes you or because for a few years Alanna also liked you, then she disliked you again, yet more reason for people to hate you. Finally she enjoyed your company again after realizing she loved George."

"Numair, you're listing," Jonathan stated calmly as though he hadn't just lost his temper.

"Right," the black robe mage said with a small-embarrassed cough. "Do you understand?" he asked.

"I think I do, but is there any ways to make them stop slandering me?" Jonathan asked, running a hand over his trimmed black beard.

Numair shook his head sadly. "There's no way to make them stop. If you want it explained to you in more detail please go to Alanna, our time is up," Numair said, looking at the candle that was now down one more marking from when he had spoken to the red haired woman.

"Oh good," Jonathan said happily, already heading to the door. "So what am I to tell Thayet?"

"You have been counseled and feel much better," Numair said while tossing Jonathan's stack of papers on Alanna's, which had yet to be burned.

Numair poked the fire to life as Jonathan left and the next person entered gracefully and shut the door silently behind him. "Why am I here? I don't need counseling. I'm fine and happy!" Raoul said upon entering.

"Obviously Her Majesty doesn't believe so," Numair said while going to his desk yet again. "How would you like to do this? Just passing the time or actually telling me something of relative importance?" he asked, folding his hands in front of him and looking at the tall man.

"Just passing the time, if you please," Raoul said while laying on the short chaise.

**a/n: I did this due to a lot of people asking for it. I doubt I should have.** Feel free to review, I enjoy reading them. They make me feel appreciated.


	3. Raoul of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone recognizable and if I made it sound like your fic at some point in this story than I apologize profusely. This all came out of my imagination, as I have never read any fic of Kel's, Dom's, Neals or Raouls that wasn't AU.**

"No, I don't believe Jonathan would say that about Alanna," Raoul exclaimed, looking over a paper that hadn't been burned. "Wow, both of them really got into this didn't they?" he asked, looking at the chuckling man who was leaning against the desk.

"Yeah," Numair said with a smile. "They seemed to like the idea of sharing their feelings. I was surprised that Jonathan opened up like that though. I thought that he was more secretive."

"He _is_," Raoul insisted. "I don't think I ever once heard him complain about the power he has over the kingdom but I can see it takes its toll on him," Raoul said, getting more serious.

"Have you even looked at the fan fiction?" Numair asked while going to his desk.

Raoul burst out laughing at some memory those words brought up. "Yeah! I've read some of Kel's and went into hysterics. I can't see her acting the way she does in some of them."

"Have you seen any," Numair trailed off, looking harder through the new stack of papers on his desk. "Any 'fics' on Keladry and _you_?" he asked cautiously.

Raoul looked dumbstruck. "Kel and me?" he asked to make sure he'd heard right. Numair nodded slowly. "You can't be-- you have to be joking," Raoul choked out. "I'm married to Buri though," he stated as though Numair wouldn't understand him.

"Raoul, are you alright?" he asked. The man gave a weak smile. "Do you need some water?"

"Please," he said, trying to take in the thought. Numair poured a glass from the pitcher on his desk. Suddenly the larger man started laughing again. "You really had me fooled Numair," he said when he'd caught his breath. "I thought you were actually serious."

Numair chuckled, deciding to allow the man to believe that it was a joke. "Yeah, sorry about that," he said with his own weak smile while handing his friend the cup of water. "So what have you read?" he asked the man.

"Not much, Dom's the one that reads them out loud, I usually tune him out though. They get rather repetitive after a while. I find some of them terrific though. There's one where Alanna followed a trail of cookies. That was an entertaining story. She was, obviously, not herself in it though. Then there was another where Dom got drunk and started flirting with everyone," Raoul trailed off in thought. "He never did finish that one. I think he stopped when he started flirting with Alanna at the Midwinter party." Raoul grinned widely at the memory. "I wonder if she ever saw the one where she and Neal got together."

Numair chuckled and shook his head. "I highly doubt that she would pick up anything with her name in story form any more. She seemed rather traumatized. It's rather odd though, because she handles bards tales quite well." Numair looked at the candle that marked the passing time. "We have about a quarter's toll left," he stated.

"Really?" the large man asked, surprised at how the time had flown. "How's Daine?" Raoul asked, changing the topic rather quickly.

Numair shrugged. "She's fine, busy with Sarra and Rikash of course, but other than that everything is normal. What about Buri? I haven't spoken with her in a while."

"Buri's busy with the Riders, as usual, but she's been fine. Have you read the fic about Dom and the company pulling pranks on me? It's caused havoc and disarray since they read it. They think that I'll fall for those tricks," Raoul said with a laugh. "As if I cared if my socks had holes in them," he said. "Really, they aren't all that imaginative of a group. I've already switched their oil supplies with syrup. I don't think that they've noticed either," Raoul said with a smirk.

Numair smiled widely upon hearing that. "What about sending one of them Thayet's special cakes? Those are awful. She could easily add some sugar or spice to it. It's tasteless and has the worst texture I could have imagined. All of the women in Tortall love them though, Daine says it fills her up and makes her skinny, really, I don't understand why women care about their weight so much. It's not as though they don't exercise it off any ways. But they look exactly like those crackers the Own eats I've noticed," Numair said slyly to a wildly grinning Raoul.

"You know, I've noticed myself getting a little wider around the middle, maybe I should talk to Thayet about them. Of course, I'm bigger than most women, so I'll need a lot," Raoul said, putting a finger to his chin in thought.

"Naturally," Numair agreed. "So the fan fiction hasn't caused any problems for you?" he asked lightly getting back on track.

Raoul shook his head. "No, I have nothing to complain about with it. It provides great relief and let's face it, reading about you being called Numy-pie, Numy-Wumy, Numair the Panda Bear and Sexiest Foreigner in Tortall is just hilarious. It leaves the whole Company in stitches for hours."

Numair looked blandly at him. "I'm thrilled to know that I provide such entertainment," he said monotonously.

"Awe, c'mon Numair, at least you're always smart in them. Besides, it's Daine that calls you those things. But," he broke off laughing. "Really, you should read some of the things these people come up with. I mean, they make you _organized," _he said. "Have you ever in your life been organized?" he asked.

"I'm an organized person," Numair defended himself. Raoul gave him a disbelieving look. "Well, when I'm not working on something I'm fairly organized," the man finished, accepting defeat with a shy smile. "Look, the hour's up, go to Thayet and tell her you've been counseled and feel much better," he said while going to the desk and grabbing Raoul's stack of unmarked papers. He hadn't been writing anything down this time.

"Right," Raoul said while standing. "Numair, it's midday, maybe you should take a break and get something to eat," Raoul said quietly. "It's not like you have to do this all in one day."

Numair looked up from his desk, then outside at the bright, shining day. "Yes, I think I'll go find Thayet for lunch. Maybe I can talk her into letting me go and doing this herself," the mage said with a hopeful smile.

Raoul laughed. "Yeah, good luck with that," he stated while walking out the door. Numair followed shortly after.

**A/N** I tried to get Raoul in character, I hope he's near it.

I would like to say right now that I am NOT a Kel fan. I don't like her character, the series I have no problem with up until the fourth book.

**I hoped you liked this chapter somewhat, sorry for the long update, again, I was debating. Thank you ahead of time for reviews of any type. I try to reply to every review I get.**


	4. Keladry, Veralidaine, and Nealan

**Disclaimer:**Everything is owned by Ms. Tamora Pierce, I don't even own the piles of fanfiction on Numair's surprisingly sturdy desk. Those belong to the people on this site, in this section. All of you wonderful writers that keep entertainment in my non-existant life.

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to all my reviewers, but especially silverflight8 and Kelusen. Those two helped me keep Kel in character so much more than I would have, though I still failed. Because Kel is as in character as I could make her it wasn't a very funny chapter, so I added Daine, then I still found it too fluffy, so I added Neal. I believe that he made a humorous ending to this fic. Yes, I'm done. I'm sorry to those that wanted me to write about the other characters. I should have stopped after Alanna. Thanks to anyone that read this too.

**IMPORTANT: I would like to say right now that I apologize if I insult anyone. It was not my intention upon writing this chapter.** That being said, I hope you enjoy this LAST installment.

Numair sighed tiredly, taking a bite of the bread he'd been brought for lunch. It was plain and boring, just like this job was for him. As soon as he had stepped out of the door he saw not only a line of people waiting to be counseled, but a page navigating his way slowly through the maze of legs with a tray of food that looked fit only for a prisoner of the dungeon. He had tried to avoid the boy, but, alas, his six foot five build would not allow him to pass unnoticed. So now he sat at the restocked desk reading from a rather interesting book on the history of constellations, which he already knew a lot about, while waiting for his next 'patient' to enter.

Enter she did, with absolutely no facial expression. It was even less than he was used to seeing in class. At least during class her facial muscles were relaxed in to a slight smile of amusement. Numair sat up from his almost slouch in the uncomfortable wooden chair and put a bookmark in the page of his book. "Keladry of Mindelan," he said with a small quirk of his lips. "How are you?" he asked conversationally.

"Well," Kel said evasively, her dreamy, long-lashed hazel eyes gazing steadily into Numair's own brown. Numair's defense system twitched up in to place with her own guarded posture. "I was told to come here by order of Queen Thayet," Kel prompted at his silence.

"Ah yes," he said, her words doing their job and bringing his mind back to the present. "Are you aware of the fact that many stories written by fans of our lives are written about us?" Numair asked, not realizing his choice in wording was as mistake.

"Us, Master Numair?" she asked, a small frown tinting her lips as she confirmed what she had heard.

The man's eyes widened at his mistake and he quickly tried to correct it. "You, Raoul, Jon, Alanna, Thayet, and every other Tortall resident separately or together. I have yet to see a story with the two of us together, thankfully," he said too quietly for her to hear.

"No sir, I had no idea anyone was writing about our lives," Kel said, attempting to keep his list to a minimum, not realizing it had already stopped.

Numair sighed and stood, beginning to pace and collect his thoughts on what to tell her. While a woman, he knew Kel to be disinclined towards the romantic side of life, and likely would be innocent to some of the things he had skipped over while reading her stories, despite her dalliance with Cleon of Kennan, he was fairly positive that she had not yet had intercourse. "You are friends with Nealan of Queenscove and his cousin Domitan of Masbolle, correct?" Numair asked, reading off a list of names he had made while reading.

"Yes sir," Kel said with a nod.

"Are you romantically inclined towards either?" Numair questioned, attempting to be kind to her nerves, which were likely to be on edge at the personal question.

"No sir," she said evenly, answering every question as she was trained to do as a Page.

"And were you ever emotionally close to Joren of Stone Mountain?" He saw her make a small face of disgust, making a smile touch his own lips. She was obviously not happy with the thought of having anything to do with her former peer.

"None but rivalry, sir," she answered after a few seconds pause that allowed her time to settle her stomach. She had almost forgot the title she found herself obligated to use.

"Yes, he was a rather sexist male, wasn't he?" Numair said with a small grin, trying to calm her a little. His attempt was not in vain and his gaze fell back to his papers as she smirked at him in agreement. "If I were to tell you that some people strongly believe you to be infatuated with one of those three men, which do you think you could handle reading?" he asked suddenly, giving up on all decorum and just wanting to finish this session. He received a tilt of the head and a very slight furrowing of her brows, thought it was very small. She was attempting to hide her confusion, and doing a wonderful job at it. "Perhaps you will allow me to try and reason out your best choice. I'm assuming you would cause harm to something or someone in this room were you to read about a relationship between yourself and Joren of Stone Mountain, and I am rather inclined to enjoying the pastime of being able to sit back and realize that my head is still attached to my shoulders. Also I have come to understand that you believe Queenscove belongs with your friend Yukimi, so that leaves Masbolle," Numair said, lifting a large pile of papers that took up more than half of the ones that were already stacked.

"With all due respect sir, I do not wish to read anything relating to Dom's supposed relationship with me. We are friends and should I learn something from these stories I might view him in a lesser light. I believe it would unfair to him or any of my friends to do that," Kel said. "Queen Thayet may believe that I need a counseling session, but as many people say, ignorance is bliss," Kel said, stepping towards the door, as she had not sat down upon entering.

"Why don't you want to learn about what people say about you?" Numair asked, always curious about the workings of others minds and why people weren't as curious about such things as he was. He understood that some people didn't find as much interest in the workings of the Gift as he did, but when it came to something that everyone had he believed everyone should be interested.

"Curiosity killed the spy," Kel quoted the famous saying.

"Learning the lesson made others more sly," Numair finished.

"What lesson is to be learned from reading some silly stories?" Kel asked.

"The depth of which people change others to fit the whim of their own fantasies should pique anyone's interest who is involved or even not. To learn what people truly wish would happen to them but can convey it in no other way than writing someone else's life might give you an insight into others minds that could help you in certain situations."

"Learning what romance-clouded minds want isn't in the job description," Keladry said.

"Yes, well, neither was counseling in mine," Numair retorted, "yet here I am, forced to analyze every little word in a story so that the patients our kind Queen has given me will understand their standing in the other persons eyes better." The man realized he had ranted inappropriately on someone he did not consider a close friend and a blush tinted his dark cheeks. "Forgive me, it's been a very trying day," he said, hoping she would accept his response to his sudden outburst.

"I shall tell Queen Thayet that you have informed me of the stories and that you're tired," Kel said, her eyes sparkling slightly in good humor at having witnessed the man blush for ranting.

"That would be a lie though," Numair told her.

"No sir, you informed me that people write about relationships that are not real, and which of my acquaintances I am basically thrown with," Kel said evenly, "therefore, it would not be lying."

"Thank you Keladry," Numair said with an honest sigh of relief, watching her leave with terrific posture. Numair looked at the large stack of papers he could now get rid of. He tossed the pile of numerous stories into the already large fire and went to sit at his desk to continue reading about constellations. "Come in," he said when someone knocked on the door only a few seconds later. He looked up and spotted Daine walking in with Zekoi the marmoset peeking out from under her hair. The smile she wore spread infectiously to Numair's own face. He stood and put the book down, not bothering to mark his page. "Are you here for a counseling session, darling?" he asked wrapping his arms around her waist and lightly kissing her.

"Yes," she said after the small peck. "I found something interesting under your pillow while changing the sheets," Daine said right before their lips met again. It surprised the mage so much that he paused. He knew she liked to clean their room herself, finding it unfair that her animals made such a mess and then leaving it for the maids to clean up, which would take many hours for them, also including their other duties. Daine just asked Kitten to help and what Kitten couldn't do she did herself or asked a few animals for help, such as dusting high places.

Numair drew away slightly to look into her storm-grey eyes, trying to remember what he had put under his pillow. His eyes widened in horror when he did remember. The recognition in his eyes caused Daine's to dance in laughter while the same emotion played with the edge of her lips, which tried valiantly to stay in a straight line. "May I explain or will I be condemned to the floor tonight?" he asked, joking only slightly. His face resembled that of a puppy that wanted forgiveness for something it didn't know was bad.

"You may explain," Daine said, leaning back, her arms still around his neck for support. She was enjoying torturing him this way. Zek however did not appreciate her angle, and his tail tightened around her neck so he would be more secure.

"As you know, our lovely Queen whose beauty is only second to your own, has assigned me to read and analyze many stories, some of which involve us."

"Yes, I guessed that, since this rather explicit one did," Daine told him with a serious voice. She knew he would see past her serious demeanor and to the joke she found of it, underneath.

"Well, I had been working late last night and… have I mentioned today that you're more adorable than Zek?" he asked, playing up the scared husband act.

He received a glare from said monkey and started chattering angrily in Daine's ear. Daine hushed it up and brought him back on topic. "Now, this story," she said slowly, backing away from him to circle around his now wary body. "How many more are there like it, and how many of them have you read?"

"I am not sure how many of them there are, but I can tell you that some of them do not do justice to your beauty. They often try to say that your thick curls are manageable and that my fingers easily glide through it instead of becoming entangled in them, as I so love."

"Yes, but I also read one that conveniently fell into your trash all crumpled up that said that you beat me, or hurt me in some way," Daine said. "Is there something there that I should know about?" she asked.

"Well that depends, should you also know about how you are often paired with Perin the clerk who also beats and or humiliates you before we become partners?" he asked, trying to get off that uncomfortable topic.

Numair, however, instantly regretted bringing up her old swain, for her frame stiffened in his arms and he watched the smile he hadn't noticed before fade. "Daine?" he asked cautiously.

"Master Numair?" Kel asked, opening the door to the scene. "I'm sorry," she said quickly and going to close the door but the man's midrange voice stopped her.

"It's alright Keladry. Come on in," he said, releasing the impassive Daine and moving to a more appropriate distance from her. "What is it?" he asked, looking at her.

"Earlier you'd said that these people paired me with Joren of Stone Mountain," she said slowly, as though unsure of her words. "How do they do that when he's dead?" she asked.

"Often they find a way for him to either come back to life or he didn't die and he became a knight. Stories such as those are called Alternate Universes because they happen in the timeline of the series of books a Ms. Pierce wrote about us, but they have changed what she wrote. There are many different ways for stories to be an Alternate Universe, if you would like to learn more about them I found a book in the back of our library written by someone I assume had to explain it to other people."

"May I see it?" Kel asked. She watched Numair go to his desk drawer and pull something out after undoing a spell he had placed on it. She glanced at Daine who still hadn't moved.

"Here you are," Numair said. "Would you like a few copies of some of your stories to look through?" he asked politely.

"No, thank you sir," Kel said before bowing slightly and turning to leave. "One more thing, do you know if anyone has paired me with Cleon again?" she asked.

"Not to my knowledge," Numair said. "From my studies, people weren't very fond of him, or he gave a stable enough reason to escape stories with you.

"Thank you sir," she said, bowing stiffly again and leaving.

"Numair, what do you mean people pair me with Perin?" Daine asked slowly after a minute's silence.

"Sweetling, they often only pair you with him to get the story moving. You always end up with me in the end," he said reassuringly. "It's also not only Perin, sometimes they also pair you with that Hakkon Falconer from Snowsdale."

That did nothing to calm her nerves though. "Have you seen any of me 'paired,'" she said the word as though it was uncomfortable coming from her mouth, "with Tristan Staghorn, Neal or Ozorne?" she asked carefully.

"No, never," Numair said reassuringly. "If I had ever seen one where you were with Neal it would likely to be to spite me, and I would not have it. I would march down to Queenscove's door and hang him upside down from the top of Balor's Needle," Numair threatened. Daine giggled slightly, her normal mood returning from the mental image. Numair saw that it was safe to go back and hold her. He did so, resting his forehead on hers. "I have not seen any story where you were not with me," he told her. "That's saying something though," he added. "Of all of the stories I've read, there is only one other pairing that I have seen to be as loyal and loved as we are, and they no longer are living," Numair said.

"Beka and Rosto?" Daine asked curiously.

"How did you find out about them?" Numair inquired.

"George was telling me about his family and how they were connected all the way back to the provost a lot time ago. Beka was his many times Great Grandmother, and he told me about the King of Thieves of the time and how she knew him. It was an interesting tale," Daine said.

"I'll have to ask him to tell it to me some time," Numair said. "I'm curious to know about the Scanran thief that caught a 'Dogs' attention."

"Until then, how about we leave before Thayet sends in your next visitor. I heard that there's a small sale going on in the market place," Daine told him with a sneaky smile. "Maybe they'll think we went there."

Numair grinned at her kissing his wife before following her out the side door right before Nealan of Queenscove entered. The young man looked around in confusion before taking a seat behind the desk to read the papers that were piled on it.

His attention was drawn by a hide folder that had a bit of scroll sewn to it labeled with his name. He pulled it out and opened it carefully after looking around to make sure he was alone.

The group outside of the door all looked at it as a scream echoed from there followed by silence then uncontrollable laughter. The people waiting in the hall exchanged worried and confused looks, deciding to leave and if asked by the Queen, tell her that they did, in fact, go to their meeting with the black mage.

Inside the room Neal was gasping on the floor, attempting to stay alive with very little air. He had quickly fallen out of the chair in horror upon reading the summary of a stack of wrapped papers that said he and his cousin were in a relationship. His falling had dislodged another pile of stories, the top of the one closest to him read the following:

_The Stump wasn't always so strict. Once_ _he had broken the rules. Once he had been the comedian of his class. Once he had done ballet._

_**A/N:**_ Yes, another Authors Note. This is just to say that Numair _does_ call Daine 'darling' in the fourth book so people don't tell me he's out of character for that. I added no information that was not given in the books besides that George told Daine about Beka and Rosto. I didn't delve into the B/R relationship because my beliefs on it are very different from what most people believe. If anything is wrong, please tell me and I'll fix it to the best of my abilities or attempt to explain myself. I was skimming through the PotS series for a lot of my information on this chapter. I seriously had all of my books sitting next to me for this chapter.

**Thank you everyone who read this fic. A bigger thank you to those that also reviewed. Your reviews brighten/brightened my day so much.** (sorry if you didn't find this one nearly as funny as the other ones. I tried, but funny isn't one of my strengths)


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